Dear Closet Door Frame Humpers,

Although you may be humping the door frame of your closet, I am, however, referring to the clandestine nature of your habit, and not the location of it. You may be humping your closet door frame, your kitchen door frame, bathroom door frame, the door frame of your neighbor’s attic, or favorite local restaurant vestibule door frame; either way, you’re out there and you know what you’re doing. And i’ll tell you something…

I’m into it.

Big time.

So much so that I’m currently making a comprehensive documentary on the subject and using some of the footage for my next video.

Because I know that late at night, when Master Shake, Xander Crews, and Jan and Wayne Skylar have gone to bed… Or early in the morning when the first of five daily showings of “A Few Good Men” is starting to air on TBS… Or midday when you can hear Spanish radio drifting into your room from cars driving by four stories down as the first of spring’s breezes blows in… I know you’re thinking about it. Splinters be damned!

But you know, I’m not here to judge. I’m going gray and i still use Proactiv. So what can I say? It’s an imperfect world. However, I can share with you this:

So far my research shows that while little is known about you, DFH (Door Frame Humper) and your growing phenomenon, it is thought that the humping is not necessarily sexual in nature and is mostly executed while the humper is, in fact, clothed. It is also thought that age does not play a role in determining who will be a DFH and that participants are reported to be as young as pre-adolescents and as old as nonagenarians. Duration of the hump seems to be indiscriminate as well and can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours (although the latter is supposedly much more rare and thought only to be present among DFH’s who are single or unemployed).

My thought for today: research what the cow’s milk (that is meant to turn a 50 pound calf into a 400 pound cow in 60 days) is doing to your body. And then maybe ask yourself how much space you think one chicken needs from another chicken before they start pecking each other out of madness. And when the answers blow your mind, go hump a door frame. But you know, it’s just a thought…

For the DFH neophyte i’ve compiled the following small list of “Music- To-Hump-Door-Frames-To” suggestions:

If you’re a pair of swedish emo brothers who own a vintage clothing store, may I suggest humping to the Knife’s version of “Heartbeats“.

If you’re trying to finish a ten page english lit paper on the Bronte sisters, I recommend humping to “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon.

If you’re a cutter, “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches might be a nice choice.

If you spend Sundays doing the NY Times crossword in a coffee shop, perhaps hump to Jim Croce’s “I Got a Name.”

If H.R. Geiger designs give you a hard-on, “SuperConductor” by Beautiful Small Machines is right in your wheelhouse.

If Saturday is Bridge or Mah-Jong day, then “How High the Moon,” Ella Fitzgerald (preferably a live version) will surely do the trick.

If you’re walking down the street and see a old, out-of-place-and-chipping, red door with a pretty, pre-war door frame, turn your iPod to “Weekend Wars” by MGMT. It won’t disappoint.

Personally, I’ll probably break my DFHing cherry with something off of a classic album like Imperial Bedroom, Turnstiles, Full Moon Fever, American Beauty or the like.

Of course, there are an infinite number of song-to-door-frame combinations and the above is simply meant as a beginner’s guide. If you are, however, smart enough and strong enough to film yourself doing it, then please send the recordings to me, BREE SHARP at the Velvet Elk, P.O. Box 827, Pocono Lake, PA 18347. You’ll be helping to shed light on this underground phenomenon and giving it the validation and attention it deserves.

Thank you and happy humping,
BREE SHARP
Lead singer, Beautiful Small Machines
And card-carrying member, Jews for Jameson
info@dondilego.com