The concept is appealing: to provide “an uplifting experience that enriches people’s lives one moment, one human being, one extraordinary cup of coffee at a time.” Toss in a “new and convenient way for you to discover, experience and acquire great music,” and you’ve basically bottled, or in this case “mugged” the modern-day holy grail; a self-affirming, musically caffeinated elixir — for just $4 a pop.

Only, it’s a bit of a Grande-mess. On the coffee end, Schultz is apparently on it. “Small” or “Tall?” Whatever. I just want my frothy vanilla latte© and I want someone else to make it.

But as far as Cinnamon Dolce Cappuccino-accompanying soundtracks go, I’m utterly confused.  Feist or Kenny G.? Uffa!

Let me get this straight, the “Sound of Starbucks” is currently defined by “speaking the language of love without saying a word?” Cue caramel-drizzled vomit now.

Additionally puzzling was the whole XM debacle. Initially, you already had two fairly successful Adult Album Alternative channels, XM Cafe© and The Loft. The obvious, ready-made choice would’ve been to co-brand XM Cafe©. Instead, Starbucks created Hear Music — mimicking XM Cafe© both in format and near-identical playlists — and, despite having had access to some of the top music experts in the country, programmed it themselves.

Stranger still, Hear Music, the XM channel, didn’t air in-store… instead, some other pre-programmed jukebox got brick-and-mortar sipping status, occasionally directing you to listen to XM, if you liked what you heard.

Not surprisingly, the channel tanked. Buh-bye Hear Music. Hello Starbucks XM Cafe© (formerly just XM Cafe©). Duh. And too late.

Good riddance. Even I was having trouble keeping the channels straight.

Now, it’s Hear Music the record label, “the next step in [Starbucks’] (all-over-the-map) entertainment strategy.” Plus iTunes, which brought about Song of the Day and Now Playing.

Don’t get me wrong, those things make sense. If the goal is for Starbucks to be a music powerhouse, then bene. But at this point, the overall music brand is one heck of a blended Frappuccinic blur: from Radiohead to Gloria Estefan?  Not exactly the kind of go-to, reliable resource those of us with discerning tastes require.

If Starbucks Entertainment’s mission is to “transform the way music is discovered and acquired and help both established and emerging artists reach the widest audience possible,” then focusing on said audience, those “typically middle-aged late-adopters rather than younger music fans,” a.k.a. adults, is key.

Hopefully, Howard Schultz’s promise of “reigniting our emotional attachment with our customers” will include Starbucks embracing the idea that coffee-toting grown-ups place a high value on taste — be it epicurean or aural — as well as on the curator behind it.

In short, while some of us may be willing to tolerate “Venti” over “Large,” when it comes to our music, we don’t like to be jerked around.

So, if the $4 you spent today felt elixir-skinny, let me suggest a temporary fix: the New Amsterdams’ Fountain of Youth. Worth every penny.

© Outlandos MusicTM2008